i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
It was confusing and full of hummus
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
