Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
