Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
