The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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