i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
