We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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