I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
