just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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