just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
