News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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