I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
