i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
