Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
