My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
