I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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