I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
