He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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