she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
