remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Randomize
