And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I'm passing your future prison.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
