if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
50% drunk capacity currently
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
