Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
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this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize