dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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