I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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