There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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