Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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