last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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