A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
