The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
