they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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