forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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