At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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