I forgot how hot balto sounded
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
