just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
