haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
