I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
