the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
