2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Bring me that man meat
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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