Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
