Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
