I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
