I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
