She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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