He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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