margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
