the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
