Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You can't motorboat a personality
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
