i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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