You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
