So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
