My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
