You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
