you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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