turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
