I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
