yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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