Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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