Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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