I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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